Jan's Introspection

me and my latest - whether they be plans, insightful thoughts, ideas or realities.

Thursday, October 31, 2002

I just returned home from eating dinner. I ate! I feel better now. I had a message on my answering machine; assuming it was Susan, I said to Bravo, "did Susan talk to you Big Boy?" I listened to the message and who was it? Dr. Julie, my dentist! What a pleasant surprise. She said she just wanted to make sure all was okay and for me to please call the office tomorrow to let them know how everything went. That truly makes me feel good!

About dinner.... I called my friend, Barb because I didn't feel like eating alone after having spent the entire day alone. We me at Shoney's. I thought I would eat soup off the salad/soup bar. I ordered a dinner and had the salad and veggie bar with it. So, I ate mashed potatoes, mac and cheese and salad for dinner. I brought home my shrimp and baked potato. (I almost added an "e") oh my! I will have a good lunch tomorrow. (smile)
As I was "resting" back in the chair I had a lot of time to think...... I bet that I have taken better care of my pets than I have myself in most of my adult life. I love Bravo, but guess what boy? I'm taking care of me now too. Realize I said too; I have no intention of not continuing to take care of my boy. Of course if you know me, you know that also. blah, blah...

Who knows how many shots I had in my mouth today, but I had all my wits. Only feeling was taken away (I still don't have it all back either.) I'm not sure how most people handle these situations, but I'm going to tell you how I handled this one. Having to overcome boredom, the cold temperature of the room and the uncomfortable feeling inside my mouth, I decided to travel a bit. I let my mind wander to every place imaginable.

I went to Washington, Oregon, Michigan and Hawaii. They all happen to be places to which I will really be traveling soon. I thought about how thankful I am to have the opportunities to visit my friends and family during the next few months. I also invested time in being thankful for my current employment which has a lot to do with the fact that I was in that chair getting a lot of work done inside my mouth. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I also thought about how it really wasn't a big deal having all that work done in my mouth. It was much more excruciating when I was trying to set up the next appointment and called my immediate supervisor to see if he had made the upcoming schedule yet.

7 fillings, 2 crowns, and a root canal down..... one crown and some bridge work to go.

What did I do on my day off? I sat back and fantasized about my upcoming trips. It was a great day.

Monday, October 28, 2002

The travelin' junkie Is it a bad thing? I don't think so. The term "junkie" certainly has a negative connotation, but in this case, it is all good. It is simply the art of taking advantage of not being in a hurry to get to your destination while traveling by plane.

One time she was coming to visit me; I was working that day, so when the offer arose to take a later flight, she jumped on it. The end result being a free ticket to anywhere in the continental U.S.A. I'm pretty sure that's the one I am using to visit her and some other friends in Washington and Oregon.

On a later trip, possibly when she went home from visiting me, she received a voucher for $X which could cover two more trips my way!

Yesterday, on her way to Washington, she took another bump and received another ticket.

So, traveling junkie, the travelin' gambler.... whatever you want to call it, it's all GOOD!

Friday, October 25, 2002

Something hit me that year. The year Dad went through life threatening difficulties and I didn't visit him. I realized after I was informed of what had gone on, that I wanted to visit my family more often than I had been. I believe at that point, I wasn't even visiting once a year. I was hit by the reality that we do not live forever. I then decided that I would live the rest of my life in such a way that I would not have any regrets or feelings of "unfinished business" throughout my life. In summary, I decided to live each day in such a way that if I were to die, I would be content with my passing.

With all that in mind, what is it that I want to do? From childhood all the way through my twenties, I really never had a feeling of what I wanted to do professionally. Now, after living many of my adult years with a clear head, there are many things that I feel I want to do, but I need to focus on something and direct most of my attention in that direction. At this point, I am thinking about continuing my education by earning a Master's degree in psychology - possibly focused toward child and family development.

Thursday, October 24, 2002

I started taking advantage of my dental insurance. I've come to the conclusion that even though my job doesn't pay well, the insurance makes it all worth while. I haven't had insurance before and didn't know how it would work. The lady who works at the dental office helped me maximize my benefit for 2002 and for 2003. I will definitely get my money's worth from this. Oh yeah! I need to call her! later

Friday, October 18, 2002

It looks like my "regular schedule" will include working weekends. That is fine with me. Why? You may ask... because I actually enjoy working weekends more than the weekdays. The departments are more adequately staffed which allows me to do my job. Plus, since I am working most weekends, when I desire a specific time off, I have no guilty feelings asking for it. That's the way it is.

Alley? I don't know and I'm glad I will be busy this weekend; it will give me more time to detach from her physical departure.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

Are they black vultures? They could be turkey vultures. I don't know, but they have their own beauty. I went out back to check on Alley. This is the first sunny day since her death. I knew it would take a few days for the word to get out and today was the day. I watched them for a little while. How naive can I be? I was watching them and thinking "oh how nice, they work as a team; one is soaring overhead while the others feast." When in fact, the one soaring was probably planning his swoop to get his share. I came to that conclusion upon seeing two of them start fighting. It must have been a good part. I enjoyed watching them soar overhead.
Thursday - another day off. I have to work the weekend, but I am strategically working late each day in order to cut my Sunday short. It's all part of the game. I have many things I want to get done today. Many.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

I'm still cleaning outside - changing things - reorganizing. Bravo has two dog houses now; one is in his back area and the other is in the side area. He also has two food bowls and two leashes.

Laundry doesn't dry very quickly on a day like today.

I should buy some groceries.

My house could use some attention, but I prefer working outside. I like this weather; it's cool.

Sunday, October 13, 2002

There is comfort in grief. I sensed something was "off" when I awoke at 4:30 this morning. I went back to sleep anyway after calling for Alley outside. She didn't come. In the past, she was always right around the corner. Lately, she even started sleeping on the back stoop. All was different this morning.

I woke up again at 7:30. It just started getting light outside. I called for Alley and once again, no response. I knew that was strange. She never would have stayed away that long. I knew it. I knew what had happened. Sometimes we know more than we want to know.

I let Bravo outside within the confines of my side fence. When he started barking, my thoughts were confirmed. I looked out a front window and saw the facts. Alley is dead. Bravo was barking at her. He tends to bark at things that are out of place. I won't go into detail about getting her off the side of the road, but it wasn't easy. I love her. She had a good life with me and Bravo. She really enjoyed running free.

I went outside to look at her. She was at peace. I know that sounds strange, but I believe she is at peace. I feel peace also. Deep within my grief is peace, comfort and serenity.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

Survivor - I watch that show. I think it is a pretty good representation of what the real big bad world is like. It's sad I know, but true. People are always talking about people. We are always playing a game to an extent. Tonight's show reminded me of a few days and nights that I've had at work actually. It's not a bad thing; it's just reality.

The challenge they had for immunity was interesting. I have that game; it's called TANGOES I think Pam has it too; she's very good at stuff like that and I like it in order to keep my brain stimulated.
Mmmmmmmmmmm - I just finished breakfast........ or lunch - whatever you want to call it. I cooked some mushrooms and onions and then added scrambled eggs. I love a good meal on my day off. Of course it's much more enjoyable when I have someone to share it with.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

$Insurance$ - what a concept$ - For the first time in my adult life as a civilian, I have insurance. It cost money of course and it seems that I'm only offered it when I feel I cannot afford to have any deductions to my paycheck. This time, I decided to stop gambling with my health; I know it is time for a few check-ups. I've known this for a while. In fact, I was about to sign up for insurance with my previous job right before they closed the doors permanently.

Rest assured those who love me; I have insurance now and I will use it!

Tuesday, October 08, 2002

It's real! I am going to Hawaii in December! It's difficult to make plans when your future is uncertain, but when Susan first proposed this idea, I definitely supported it and tried to assure her that it would work out. When I was initially hired at the Home Depot, I arranged things with my immediate boss who makes the schedule. When I was moved to a new, full-time position, I had to form another plan. I thought about it thoroughly and came up with my plan of attack. The next step was to wait for the perfect moment. Finally, that moment came.

The same day that the 2 x 4 attacked me, I was able to connect with the boss. I first explained why I came directly to him. Then, I presented "the facts" and my desires. He immediately took out a piece of paper, wrote down my name and the dates that I need off. He then instructed me to take as much vacation and personal time off that I have collected by that time and that he will supplement the remainder with a leave of absence.

I thanked him for his understanding and he thanked me for giving him plenty of time to prepare for my absence.

Monday, October 07, 2002

I'm okay! Two days ago, a 2 x 4 slipped out of my hand and hit me on the bridge of my nose. My eyes are a little black right now, but all is well. I didn't go to the doctor, but all the proper paper work was filled out just in case I decided to later. At first, my nose bled a lot. I remember from childhood we used to tip our head back whenever we had a bloody nose, so that's what I did. I quickly started choking on the blood, so I went out the back door to spit it out; it was quite dramatic looking I'm sure. When I told Dr. CA about it, she informed me that nowadays it is recommended to tip forward allowing the nose to bleed and it should stop within 10 to 15 minutes.This advice is especially important for the little ones since they can start choking faster. It seems logical to me; afterall, it's somewhat gross allowing all that blood to just go down your throat.

Dr. CA also adviced that if something like this happens again, to go to the doctor at the very least so the incident will be documented in case of future side effects. She was here that afternoon and looked at my nose; it should heal looking as normal as it did before.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

My MOM! I was thinking about her while working outside. It was all good - of course! So, I decided to blog some of those thoughts. Simultaneously, I was thinking about how people (in general) don't express their thoughts enough. Sometimes, they don't even think of all the good things until the loved one has passed away (no morbity here.)

I remember a time in my childhood where I was quite the problem child. When I was in about 8th grade, I remember that Mom tried to bond with me. My thoughts at the time were, "too late!" Now, I appreciate it more than I could possibly express in any written or even spoken word. Since becoming an adult and discovering me, Mom and I have become close.

A specific good memory that I have is when "Fiddler on the Roof" was playing at the 99cent theatre. I think it was 99 cents - you never know how much our memories change over time. Mom spent the day with me and I think it was a school day; we went to that movie. It was extra special because I also remember when "Fiddler on the Roof" was playing in Flint (the play), Dad and I didn't go. Dad and I went to a movie instead; that movie was "Ben" I think it was the sequel to Willard. You know, the rat movies.

I've always looked up to Mom. I have a vivid picture of her in my mind on her way to work, dressed professionaly, I knew that one day, I could also be a "professional" woman. She is a very successful woman. With the help of Dad of course, she brought up 6 great girls while working full - time. I remember one of the times the hourly people at Dad's place of employment went on strike, Mom had to watch out for us kids even more because Dad was working many hours of the day and night. I guess some of the hourly guys didn't like the idea that my dad was essentially doing their jobs; thereby, helping the company survive in spite of the strike. I believe threats of some sort were made, but never had the specifics on that. I think about Dad a lot too and will talk about him in another post.

Those are just a few highlighted moments in my memory. In short, Mom, I love you! The words just don't seem like enough though. Since I live so far away, I don't really have much of an opportunity to express it either, but I try from a distance.
Does this mean my head has been empty lately?